Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful queen with voluptuous breasts. Her neighbor was the famous dragon slayer Nick who, between dragon slaying chores, would admire those breasts. It was his desire to touch them but Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death for the king was a very jealous man.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the king's Consultant Physician (chief doctor). Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer agreed to the offer.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little into the queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the royal chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the king and queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the cure for the itch.
The king quickly summoned for Nick the Dragon Slayer and Horatio the Physician slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the queen's voluptuous and magnificent afflictions (breasts).
The queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and was even touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the king, with a laugh just told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the king's underwear. The king thus immediately summoned for Nick the Dragon Slayer...
Moral of the story:
Pay your bills! Or the consequences may be more than you bargained for!
Salut!
23.8.07
22.8.07
Life's Embarrassing Moments...
Ever had one of those moments when you wished the earth would open & swallow you up?
-------------
*Third Place*
Submitted by a 21 year old student
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home,but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride to the phone.
Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled "SURPRISE!". My entire family - aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again .
-------------
**Second Place **
Submitted by a 30+ year old mother of 1
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my kid decided to release some pent up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons, and I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself immediately, she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee (dick) last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow, and the last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of laughter.
-------------
***Champion***
Submitted by a 19 year old undergraduate
This happened at Harvard University in October last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?"
"That's correct." responded the professor, going on to add statistical data to prove his point.
Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?".
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing and the poor girl turned bright red as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied). Picking up her books without a word, she started to make her way out of the class when the professor gave the most classic reply.
Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the tastebuds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat!"
-------------
*Third Place*
Submitted by a 21 year old student
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home,but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride to the phone.
Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled "SURPRISE!". My entire family - aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again .
-------------
**Second Place **
Submitted by a 30+ year old mother of 1
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my kid decided to release some pent up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons, and I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself immediately, she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee (dick) last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow, and the last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of laughter.
-------------
***Champion***
Submitted by a 19 year old undergraduate
This happened at Harvard University in October last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?"
"That's correct." responded the professor, going on to add statistical data to prove his point.
Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?".
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing and the poor girl turned bright red as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied). Picking up her books without a word, she started to make her way out of the class when the professor gave the most classic reply.
Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the tastebuds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat!"
21.8.07
Priceless Moments
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong when he was knackered. Forcing himself to open his eyes, the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table and next to them, a single stalk of red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. He then notices a note hanging at the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, so Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3am drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $1.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time............ PRICELESS!!!
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong when he was knackered. Forcing himself to open his eyes, the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table and next to them, a single stalk of red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. He then notices a note hanging at the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, so Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3am drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $1.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time............ PRICELESS!!!
17.4.07
Not All Blonds Are Dumb...
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer figures he would like to make fun of the blond, suggests that they play a little game? The tired blonde who just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn".
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Cheers!
The lawyer figures he would like to make fun of the blond, suggests that they play a little game? The tired blonde who just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn".
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Cheers!
Politics...
A little boy goes to his dad, a Datuk and asks, "What is Politics?" Datuk Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People. The Maid, we will consider her The Working Class, and your baby brother, we will call him The Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense. So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what is Datuk Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the Maid's room and finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father bonking the Maid. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his Datuk father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The Datuk father says, "Great son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies: "The Prime Minister is screwing The Working Class while The Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep shit."
Cheers!
Now think about that and see if it makes sense. So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what is Datuk Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the Maid's room and finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father bonking the Maid. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his Datuk father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The Datuk father says, "Great son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies: "The Prime Minister is screwing The Working Class while The Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep shit."
Cheers!
4.4.07
Twist of Life...
Life is such an interesting concept. How often have we done one thing when we actually wanted something else, and in the end we are remembered for others? People judge people based on their perception of the occurrence at their point of contact - regardless of the fact within which that occurrence occurred.
This brings to mind a little story related by a friend...
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... and that was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her little sister called and asked me to come over to help check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before got married and
committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed towards my car, only to find my entire future family standing outside - clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
And the moral of this story is?
Always keep your condoms in your car.
Cheers!
This brings to mind a little story related by a friend...
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... and that was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her little sister called and asked me to come over to help check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before got married and
committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed towards my car, only to find my entire future family standing outside - clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
And the moral of this story is?
Always keep your condoms in your car.
Cheers!
3.4.07
Women Over 30...
As I age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it! She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured of who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.
A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologise for all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.
Cheers!
A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it! She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured of who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.
A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologise for all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.
Cheers!
28.2.07
Today In History...
History has played an immensely important role in how we shape our future. Countries, businesses, and individuals who learn from their past - good & bad - tend to grow from strength to strength. Lessons learnt are worth every penny if the same mistakes are not repeated. The seeds we sow today become the fruits we harvest tomorrow.
Blah! Blah! Blah! ... It's so easy to say all that right?
So many times have I experienced my past come right back to bite me in the butt! Long have I come to realise that MY past is My problem - live with it! Honesty is for my Charlie to chew and redecorate as he sees fit! It really doesn't pay to be truthful...
That's the Bitter Green Monster surfacing? And why not? It's kept me going very well so far, thank you! The world can go to hell and back for all I care. As long as I achieve what I set out to do, I think it's worth it - the end will ultimately justify the means.
SO THERE!
Blah! Blah! Blah! ... It's so easy to say all that right?
So many times have I experienced my past come right back to bite me in the butt! Long have I come to realise that MY past is My problem - live with it! Honesty is for my Charlie to chew and redecorate as he sees fit! It really doesn't pay to be truthful...
That's the Bitter Green Monster surfacing? And why not? It's kept me going very well so far, thank you! The world can go to hell and back for all I care. As long as I achieve what I set out to do, I think it's worth it - the end will ultimately justify the means.
SO THERE!
Time...
60 seconds make a minute
60 minutes make an hour
24 hours make a day
7 days make a week
52 weeks make a year
or to put it simply,
365 days make a year
Now who the f*** was the almighty genius who determined that this is the way time should be accounted for?
Ever had one of those days when you had all the time in the world with nothing better to do? When time seems to be crawling to a standstill? Or one of those days when time just doesn't seem enough? I'm experiencing a phenomenon right now - so many things and so many people who are screaming for my attention but time feels like it has come to a total stop.
All our lives, many of us dedicate our time to one thing or another. Some build on their career, others choose to start a family, and yet others seem like they are eternally lost in space! So what happens if your focus is on family but no matter how hard you try it just doesn't take off? Isn't career the next logical step to take? I have tried the "lost in space" thing, and trust me it's not as fun as it seems to be. So what would you choose if you were in my shoes?
Time to scoot! Yet another problem to attend to. And I can bet my bottom dollar that at the end of it, my watch will still read 10:00am - maybe my watch needs repair... Sigh...
Cheers!
60 minutes make an hour
24 hours make a day
7 days make a week
52 weeks make a year
or to put it simply,
365 days make a year
Now who the f*** was the almighty genius who determined that this is the way time should be accounted for?
Ever had one of those days when you had all the time in the world with nothing better to do? When time seems to be crawling to a standstill? Or one of those days when time just doesn't seem enough? I'm experiencing a phenomenon right now - so many things and so many people who are screaming for my attention but time feels like it has come to a total stop.
All our lives, many of us dedicate our time to one thing or another. Some build on their career, others choose to start a family, and yet others seem like they are eternally lost in space! So what happens if your focus is on family but no matter how hard you try it just doesn't take off? Isn't career the next logical step to take? I have tried the "lost in space" thing, and trust me it's not as fun as it seems to be. So what would you choose if you were in my shoes?
Time to scoot! Yet another problem to attend to. And I can bet my bottom dollar that at the end of it, my watch will still read 10:00am - maybe my watch needs repair... Sigh...
Cheers!
27.2.07
Here Lies...
Ever wondered what would appear on your tombstone when you make that final trip to the Big Kahuna Reef in the Sky? Superstitions aside, I find that this sobering thought helps to put our lives into perspective. Another thing to try is to write your own eulogy - what would others say about you when you are gone? Just 2 rules - Be Honest & Be Realistic. You'd be surprised!
Cheers!
16.2.07
Happy Birthday To Youuuuuuuu!!!!!!
What's really in a person's age? Isn't it just a couple of numbers strung together to indicate the number of years we have spent on this Dirt Ball?
We humans generally go through 3 stages with regard to our date of birth.
From none to 16, we want people to remember it and actually look forward to celebrating it.
From 17 to 59, we hope nobody remembers how old we really are.
After 60, we hope that we can actually get to celebrate the next one again.
I remember when I was in my teens, I couldn't wait to grow up and do all those grown up things. When I got past me 20s, I just wished people would stop telling me how responsible I should be. After the 30th, every year just seems to fly by. A matter of perspective you say? Perhaps.
Well tomorrow's gonna be yet another notch to my totem pole. With all the shit that's hitting the fan, I sincerely hope that it will be a memorable one for the right reasons.
"Oh why were you born so beautiful? Oh why were you born at all? You're no bloody good to anyone, you're no bloody good at all!"
Cheers!
We humans generally go through 3 stages with regard to our date of birth.
From none to 16, we want people to remember it and actually look forward to celebrating it.
From 17 to 59, we hope nobody remembers how old we really are.
After 60, we hope that we can actually get to celebrate the next one again.
I remember when I was in my teens, I couldn't wait to grow up and do all those grown up things. When I got past me 20s, I just wished people would stop telling me how responsible I should be. After the 30th, every year just seems to fly by. A matter of perspective you say? Perhaps.
Well tomorrow's gonna be yet another notch to my totem pole. With all the shit that's hitting the fan, I sincerely hope that it will be a memorable one for the right reasons.
"Oh why were you born so beautiful? Oh why were you born at all? You're no bloody good to anyone, you're no bloody good at all!"
Cheers!
7.2.07
Life Is... A Bed Of Crap... Just On Different Days...
How time flies in our little sphere of Life. It seems like just yesterday that we were shaking hands and exchanging Christmas cheer.
Ever heard of the hearing "Same Shit Different Day"? Well I guess that just about sums up life for most of us homosapiens right? I mean we spend the 60 to 70 years of our total existance swallowing the crap that others feed us, and many a times, we end up shaking their hands with a big smile on our faces.
Ever had one of those days when you wake up in the morning feeling like a million dollars but by noon time feel like you were 10 million in debts? I've had quite a few of those lately...
I do so envy my little Charlie sometimes - care free, with a master who loves him to hell and back. Makes me wonder why they say "it's a dog's life" as if it was a bad thing. I mean how bad could it actually be? Wake up in the morning -> eat -> play with toys -> chew up stuff -> take a nap -> eat -> nap again -> play with other toys -> nap -> chew up more stuff -> act stupid to get a few laughs -> sleep. And that's just a boring day!!!
Well it's time to get back to the pump & grind.
Till my next lament.........
Cheers!
Ever heard of the hearing "Same Shit Different Day"? Well I guess that just about sums up life for most of us homosapiens right? I mean we spend the 60 to 70 years of our total existance swallowing the crap that others feed us, and many a times, we end up shaking their hands with a big smile on our faces.
Ever had one of those days when you wake up in the morning feeling like a million dollars but by noon time feel like you were 10 million in debts? I've had quite a few of those lately...
I do so envy my little Charlie sometimes - care free, with a master who loves him to hell and back. Makes me wonder why they say "it's a dog's life" as if it was a bad thing. I mean how bad could it actually be? Wake up in the morning -> eat -> play with toys -> chew up stuff -> take a nap -> eat -> nap again -> play with other toys -> nap -> chew up more stuff -> act stupid to get a few laughs -> sleep. And that's just a boring day!!!
Well it's time to get back to the pump & grind.
Till my next lament.........
Cheers!
31.10.06
English - The Devil's Language
Many years ago, there was a rave about how satanic cults were making use of music to spread their evil messages. You could hear these sublimal messages simply by playing the track backwards. What the protagonist didn't realise was that for centuries, the English language already contains secret messages that reveals itself just by rearranging the letters in a particular word. We call them Anagrams. Here are some of my favourites!
DORMITORY<->DIRTY ROOM
DESPERATION<->A ROPE ENDS IT
SLOT MACHINES<->CASH LOST IN ME
ELECTION RESULTS<->LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS<->ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
ELEVEN PLUS TWO<->TWELVE PLUS ONE
And my favourite for all time!!!
MOTHER-IN-LAW<->WOMAN HITLER
Cheers!
DORMITORY<->DIRTY ROOM
DESPERATION<->A ROPE ENDS IT
SLOT MACHINES<->CASH LOST IN ME
ELECTION RESULTS<->LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS<->ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
ELEVEN PLUS TWO<->TWELVE PLUS ONE
And my favourite for all time!!!
MOTHER-IN-LAW<->WOMAN HITLER
Cheers!
30.10.06
Urban Legends - They Walk Amongst Us!!!
Growing up, I've heard many scary urban legends that I dread even to repeat. On the other hand, I've also heard some really interesting stories that made me go "Hmmmmm......."
Here are some of them....
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted...."Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said... "where???"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific".
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but, "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
My sister has a life-saving tool in her car and it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. Just to be safe, she keeps it in the trunk...
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were on 10% discount. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount... maybe we should have bought 10 cases.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Cheers!
Here are some of them....
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted...."Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said... "where???"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific".
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but, "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
My sister has a life-saving tool in her car and it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. Just to be safe, she keeps it in the trunk...
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were on 10% discount. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount... maybe we should have bought 10 cases.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Cheers!
25.10.06
Men - God's Perfect Creation
Women often say that Men are shallow, predictable, childish, etc, etc, etc...
WHAT UTTER RUBBISH!!! Men are creatures of depth, tradition, education, intellectual thought and mature debate. And I can prove it!
Men keep grand dreams of King Arthur's Court and so today, they continue to sit as equals around a table to discuss world-changing issues like how much to charge other Men for membership into their exclusive fraternity.
Men's intellectual and educational traditions must be strictly adhered to and even if we are to sacrifice life and limb, Men will not budge on principle. Take for example a discussion I was privy to just a couple of days ago. The topic in question was with regard to the use of Fish or Fishes in the description of the aquatic creatures residing within an aquatic tank. Mr T presented his case with true deliberation and fore-thought and after a fiercely contested 30 minutes, pure logic and intellect prevailed! It was decided that we must use Fish in its singular and on a side note, it was clearly minuted and unanimously agreed that a Clown Fish does not dig its face into green button polyps.
Further proof you say?
Let us take the time-honoured sport of Golf (Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden).
Armed with their trusty clubs like their cavemen forebears, Men trudge along turfs of green with a clear objective - to get that ball into 18 separate holes in 72 strokes or less. In the course of this endeavour, collateral damage to the groundwork is unavoidable - Men have even coined a name for this - DIVOT. However, as with all grand schemes, 2 schools of thought prevail - should we replace the chunk of grass or do we fill the hole with sand and seedling? The debate continues. When a logical and fraternally accepted method is agreed upon the weaker gender will be duly informed.
I believe I have presented my case with strength. It is blasphemy to say that Women is God's improved version of Men. God created Women because HE had extra clay. Anyway, who else would bring Men his beer and slippers?
Cheers!
WHAT UTTER RUBBISH!!! Men are creatures of depth, tradition, education, intellectual thought and mature debate. And I can prove it!
Men keep grand dreams of King Arthur's Court and so today, they continue to sit as equals around a table to discuss world-changing issues like how much to charge other Men for membership into their exclusive fraternity.
Men's intellectual and educational traditions must be strictly adhered to and even if we are to sacrifice life and limb, Men will not budge on principle. Take for example a discussion I was privy to just a couple of days ago. The topic in question was with regard to the use of Fish or Fishes in the description of the aquatic creatures residing within an aquatic tank. Mr T presented his case with true deliberation and fore-thought and after a fiercely contested 30 minutes, pure logic and intellect prevailed! It was decided that we must use Fish in its singular and on a side note, it was clearly minuted and unanimously agreed that a Clown Fish does not dig its face into green button polyps.
Further proof you say?
Let us take the time-honoured sport of Golf (Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden).
Armed with their trusty clubs like their cavemen forebears, Men trudge along turfs of green with a clear objective - to get that ball into 18 separate holes in 72 strokes or less. In the course of this endeavour, collateral damage to the groundwork is unavoidable - Men have even coined a name for this - DIVOT. However, as with all grand schemes, 2 schools of thought prevail - should we replace the chunk of grass or do we fill the hole with sand and seedling? The debate continues. When a logical and fraternally accepted method is agreed upon the weaker gender will be duly informed.
I believe I have presented my case with strength. It is blasphemy to say that Women is God's improved version of Men. God created Women because HE had extra clay. Anyway, who else would bring Men his beer and slippers?
Cheers!
8.10.06
Betcha Didn't Know....
Did You Know...
- Babies are born without kneecaps. They appear when the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
- It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
- Your stomach has to produce a layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.
- An average American spends an average of 6 months waiting at red lights their whole life.
- If the population of
- A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
- A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
- A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
- A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
- A snail can sleep for three years.
- An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
- In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
- Almonds are a member of the peach family.
- Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
- A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
- February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
- Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
- The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
- The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
- "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "MT".
- There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: - "abstemious" and "facetious."
- TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
3.10.06
Oxford Dictionary Revised
Through the course of time, humans have evolved to become intellectually more superior (or so we think). With this evolution, our methods of communication too must evolve with the times. Situational changes dictate that we associate terms to suit these changes. That being said, here are the latest revisions to our trustworthy Oxford Dictionary.
Boss
Boss
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early
Cigarette
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other
Classic
A book which people praise, but do not read
Committee
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together
Compromise
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece
Conference
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present
Conference Room
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on
Criminal
A guy no different from the rest...except that he got caught
Divorce
Future tense of marriage
Doctor
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills
Experience
The name men give to their mistakes
Father
A banker provided by nature
Lecture
An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Miser
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich
Opportunist
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river
Optimist
A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Philosopher
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead
Politician
One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after
Yawn
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth
Peace Out!
13.9.06
Alfabet Zuop U Need Yuong Jedi!
I was called up for an interview today and my prospective employers had the most interesting prerequisite I've ever heard for a very long time - in order for any candidate to be eligible for a 1st round interview, we had to first take an English Proficiency Test.
It didn't matter to them that I had an Honours in English from Cambridge, or even that I have already authored a book. What mattered was that it is a prerequisite so I had to take it. The best part of it all was that when I received an email from the HR person, her first line read:
"Please be inform that you are reqiure to sit for your profeciensy test prior to your interview..."
For an organisation that enforces a proficiency test for all level of staff, they have certainly reinforced my confidence in their establishment.
What will they think of next? Bark Proficiency Test for guard dogs? I'm sure Charlie will apply!
Cheers!
It didn't matter to them that I had an Honours in English from Cambridge, or even that I have already authored a book. What mattered was that it is a prerequisite so I had to take it. The best part of it all was that when I received an email from the HR person, her first line read:
"Please be inform that you are reqiure to sit for your profeciensy test prior to your interview..."
For an organisation that enforces a proficiency test for all level of staff, they have certainly reinforced my confidence in their establishment.
What will they think of next? Bark Proficiency Test for guard dogs? I'm sure Charlie will apply!Cheers!
7.9.06
The Great Stink...
Ok so I guess it's now official! Smoking is a big no no in all air-conditioned places, public transport, and in dining outlets with outdoor sitting a limited (20%) seating is alotted for smoking. What would they do next? "Smoking not permitted in pubs and discos"?Cigarette prices keep going up, regulations keep getting tighter, smoking places get lesser... So why not just ban the damn thing?
Remember my analogy on alcohol? Well it's kinda simple here too isn't it?
Tobacco = Leaf = Plants = Vegetation
Those who think vegetables are bad for your health please raise your hands!Doctors and health nuts will tell you that smoking tobacco is bad for your health. It's addictive, it destroys your stamina, kills your lungs and opens you up to all forms of health risk. Hellllloooooo!!!! My life remember? Whatever happened to freedom of CHOICE?
So it's addictive? Marijuana isn't!
Destroys your stamina? So does too much sex!
Kills your lungs? Try sitting around all day doing nothing!
Health risks? Like I said, try sitting around all day!
So that being the case, I propose that we should ban SEX and Sitting Around since Marijuana is already banned!
I walked into a Cigar Divan after dinner today, looking forward to purchase a delectable Monte Cristo No. 2 and enjoy it with a double shot of Ameretto. Imagine my horror when the manager tells me that due to the new ruling, I could not smoke my cigar there. This was a bar in a 5-Star hotel with a seating capacity of at least 100. So based on my bad math, the 20% rule would mean that there should be at least 20 tables for smokers right? WRONG! It's 20% of total outdoor seating and since this bar was now serving food and had only 5 tables outside, the smoking-permitted tables work out to a grand total of 1! Uno! Satu!
Pissed off and on the brink of irrational behaviour, I walked out of the place and lit a cigarette instead, only to have a woman who could only be described as ANTIQUE walk past me waving her hand in front of her nose and a disgusted look on her face. Helllllooooo!!! WHAT'S YOUR BLOODY PROBLEM!?!?! You don't see me waving my hand at your al'cheapo perfume do you?
I seriously believe that I'm living in a nightmare now and any moment, I'm going to wake up with a beer in my left hand and a joint on my right. Please let this be just a dream!
Have you ever noticed how when 2 smokers gather around an ashtray for a smoke, a friendly nod turns into a conversation? Ever noticed how when folks in the neighbourhood gather, they'll never hesitate to share a cigarette? I say that the misunderstood tabacco should become our symbol of friendship and solidarity! The American Indians had their Peace Pipe and I say we should too!
Cheers!
2.9.06
Thou Art Thine Hero!
Growing up, I remember my first hero was Superman. Then as I grew older, I got smarter and adored Batman instead. I mean yeah, the cool car, amazing gadgets and ultra-happening Bat Cave had lots to do with the decision to change heros, but the main reason was cause I seriously believed Batman was so much smarter than Superman. In fact I still do!Why you may ask? The reason is simple - they both have terrible fashion sense (who in their right mind would wear their underwear on the outside?!?) but at least Batman had the frame of mind to wear a mask!
Fashion aside, I used to think that superheroes had the coolest jobs on earth. Not to mention some of the coolest gadgets, fastest vehicles (drool...) and bodies that will make the chicks swoon! Well except Hulk of course - who ever wants to be an overgrown green monster in oh-so-not-cool jeans with absolutely no toy or car?
What with the economic slump that countries around the world had just gone through, I'm kinda wondering that with their super abilities and knowledge, what our superheroes /supervillians would be doing if they ever become broke or get fired?
Here are four I managed to track down --->>>
SpidermanHighrise Window Washer Extraodinaire
SupermanCalvin Klein Model
IcemanCoolest Firefighter 2006 (NYFD)
Osama Bin LadenSuburban Interior Designer
Wait a minute! That last picture looks awfully familiar. Like I've seen him somewhere recently. Nah, my eyes must be playing tricks on me. Well if anyone hears of the whereabouts of any other hero or villian, do keep me informed.
Cheers!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)