A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"OK Do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The leading man was black."
"Oh," says the midwife, "it's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions, but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."
"Oh," the midwife repeats, "it's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."
"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this, the midwife collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horriblefeeling that it was going to bark!"
CHEERS!
20.9.07
7.9.07
Life's Always A Bitch...
Life's always such a bitch! And we always end up getting screwed!
It's really interesting to take a step back and watch the nonsense that goes on around us every day. If someone gives me $1 for every DUH! moment in my life, I'd be a Gigazillionaire before I turn 40!
Imagine this scenario:
Mr A comes up with a brilliant marketing proposal with a perfect sales pitch to boot. He puts together a proposal and presents it to his superior Supervisor S.
Supervisor S reads through the proposal, shoots it down like a character out of House of the Dead and gives Mr A a tongue-lashing about how he had wasted precious time on a useless endeavour.
2 weeks later, at the monthly sales & marketing meeting, Boss B informs everybody that Supervisor S has proposed a brilliant plan to help the company boost revenue by more than 300%! He goes on to ask Supervisor S to present his plan and whaddayaknow? it's the exact same proposal that Mr A had proposed in the first place!
At the end of the presentation, Boss B gives his review of all managers at the table and says to Mr A in particular that he seems to be slacking in performance & ideas. Boss B goes on to comment that unless he starts coming up with ideas like Supervisor S, he will find himself redundant very soon.
SCREWED!
It's really interesting to take a step back and watch the nonsense that goes on around us every day. If someone gives me $1 for every DUH! moment in my life, I'd be a Gigazillionaire before I turn 40!
Imagine this scenario:
Mr A comes up with a brilliant marketing proposal with a perfect sales pitch to boot. He puts together a proposal and presents it to his superior Supervisor S.
Supervisor S reads through the proposal, shoots it down like a character out of House of the Dead and gives Mr A a tongue-lashing about how he had wasted precious time on a useless endeavour.
2 weeks later, at the monthly sales & marketing meeting, Boss B informs everybody that Supervisor S has proposed a brilliant plan to help the company boost revenue by more than 300%! He goes on to ask Supervisor S to present his plan and whaddayaknow? it's the exact same proposal that Mr A had proposed in the first place!
At the end of the presentation, Boss B gives his review of all managers at the table and says to Mr A in particular that he seems to be slacking in performance & ideas. Boss B goes on to comment that unless he starts coming up with ideas like Supervisor S, he will find himself redundant very soon.
SCREWED!
4.9.07
Advertising Tag Lines...
Once upon a time in Singapore, there lived a happy couple, Mr & Mrs Ng, with their 3 lovely daughters; Elaine, Ena & Ella. The 3 daughters were brought up in a prim-and-proper way and when they reached 20, they were still virgins.
Years passed, and it was time to get them married, so the parents found them the most suitable guys, got them married and were preparing to set-off on their individual honeymoons. As "concerned" (more like "kay-poh") parents, Mr & Mrs Ng were curious about their daughters' first-night experience so before the daughters went on their respective honeymoons, Mrs Ng told them, "Your father and I want to know about your 1st night encounters and whether you are satisfied. Write a letter to us, but as not to raise your husbands' curiosity, you all must use a code-name to describe your experiences."
So, the excited daughters were off. A week passed and Mr & Mrs Ng got the first letter. It was from Elaine. They opened the letter and found the word STANDARD CHARTERED and immediately took the newspaper and looked for the Standard Chartered advertisement.
"Ah! here it is!", exclaimed Mr Ng. The motto for Standard Chartered was.... "BIG, STRONG & FRIENDLY"
Mr & Mrs Ng were happy.
A week later, they got another letter and this time it was from Ena. The content was simply "NESCAFE". So, again they took the newspaper and looked for the Nescafe ad.
"Ah! here it is. "NESCAFE: PLEASURE TILL THE LAST DROP".
Mr & Mrs Ng beamed with joy.
Another week passed, followed by a month and yet another but still no letter from Ella and the Ngs became worried. Finally, the letter came. It was scribbled and could hardly be read, but Mrs Ng managed to figure it out. The code-name was "SINGAPORE AIRLINES". Mr Ng rushed to the nearest store and got a newspaper and flipped the pages frantically.
"Ah! Here it is!" Mrs Ng grabbed the page and read aloud. Before she could finish, <> she fell off her chair!
The motto was ..."7 TIMES A WEEK, 4 TO 6 TIMES A DAY, NON-STOP".
CHEERS!
Years passed, and it was time to get them married, so the parents found them the most suitable guys, got them married and were preparing to set-off on their individual honeymoons. As "concerned" (more like "kay-poh") parents, Mr & Mrs Ng were curious about their daughters' first-night experience so before the daughters went on their respective honeymoons, Mrs Ng told them, "Your father and I want to know about your 1st night encounters and whether you are satisfied. Write a letter to us, but as not to raise your husbands' curiosity, you all must use a code-name to describe your experiences."
So, the excited daughters were off. A week passed and Mr & Mrs Ng got the first letter. It was from Elaine. They opened the letter and found the word STANDARD CHARTERED and immediately took the newspaper and looked for the Standard Chartered advertisement.
"Ah! here it is!", exclaimed Mr Ng. The motto for Standard Chartered was.... "BIG, STRONG & FRIENDLY"
Mr & Mrs Ng were happy.
A week later, they got another letter and this time it was from Ena. The content was simply "NESCAFE". So, again they took the newspaper and looked for the Nescafe ad.
"Ah! here it is. "NESCAFE: PLEASURE TILL THE LAST DROP".
Mr & Mrs Ng beamed with joy.
Another week passed, followed by a month and yet another but still no letter from Ella and the Ngs became worried. Finally, the letter came. It was scribbled and could hardly be read, but Mrs Ng managed to figure it out. The code-name was "SINGAPORE AIRLINES". Mr Ng rushed to the nearest store and got a newspaper and flipped the pages frantically.
"Ah! Here it is!" Mrs Ng grabbed the page and read aloud. Before she could finish, <
The motto was ..."7 TIMES A WEEK, 4 TO 6 TIMES A DAY, NON-STOP".
CHEERS!
23.8.07
Pay Your Debts...
Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful queen with voluptuous breasts. Her neighbor was the famous dragon slayer Nick who, between dragon slaying chores, would admire those breasts. It was his desire to touch them but Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death for the king was a very jealous man.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the king's Consultant Physician (chief doctor). Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer agreed to the offer.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little into the queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the royal chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the king and queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the cure for the itch.
The king quickly summoned for Nick the Dragon Slayer and Horatio the Physician slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the queen's voluptuous and magnificent afflictions (breasts).
The queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and was even touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the king, with a laugh just told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the king's underwear. The king thus immediately summoned for Nick the Dragon Slayer...
Moral of the story:
Pay your bills! Or the consequences may be more than you bargained for!
Salut!
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the king's Consultant Physician (chief doctor). Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer agreed to the offer.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little into the queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the royal chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the king and queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the cure for the itch.
The king quickly summoned for Nick the Dragon Slayer and Horatio the Physician slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the queen's voluptuous and magnificent afflictions (breasts).
The queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and was even touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the king, with a laugh just told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the king's underwear. The king thus immediately summoned for Nick the Dragon Slayer...
Moral of the story:
Pay your bills! Or the consequences may be more than you bargained for!
Salut!
22.8.07
Life's Embarrassing Moments...
Ever had one of those moments when you wished the earth would open & swallow you up?
-------------
*Third Place*
Submitted by a 21 year old student
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home,but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride to the phone.
Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled "SURPRISE!". My entire family - aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again .
-------------
**Second Place **
Submitted by a 30+ year old mother of 1
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my kid decided to release some pent up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons, and I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself immediately, she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee (dick) last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow, and the last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of laughter.
-------------
***Champion***
Submitted by a 19 year old undergraduate
This happened at Harvard University in October last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?"
"That's correct." responded the professor, going on to add statistical data to prove his point.
Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?".
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing and the poor girl turned bright red as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied). Picking up her books without a word, she started to make her way out of the class when the professor gave the most classic reply.
Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the tastebuds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat!"
-------------
*Third Place*
Submitted by a 21 year old student
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home,but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride to the phone.
Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled "SURPRISE!". My entire family - aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again .
-------------
**Second Place **
Submitted by a 30+ year old mother of 1
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my kid decided to release some pent up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons, and I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself immediately, she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee (dick) last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow, and the last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of laughter.
-------------
***Champion***
Submitted by a 19 year old undergraduate
This happened at Harvard University in October last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?"
"That's correct." responded the professor, going on to add statistical data to prove his point.
Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?".
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing and the poor girl turned bright red as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied). Picking up her books without a word, she started to make her way out of the class when the professor gave the most classic reply.
Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the tastebuds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat!"
21.8.07
Priceless Moments
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong when he was knackered. Forcing himself to open his eyes, the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table and next to them, a single stalk of red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. He then notices a note hanging at the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, so Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3am drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $1.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time............ PRICELESS!!!
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong when he was knackered. Forcing himself to open his eyes, the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table and next to them, a single stalk of red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. He then notices a note hanging at the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, so Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3am drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $1.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time............ PRICELESS!!!
17.4.07
Not All Blonds Are Dumb...
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer figures he would like to make fun of the blond, suggests that they play a little game? The tired blonde who just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn".
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Cheers!
The lawyer figures he would like to make fun of the blond, suggests that they play a little game? The tired blonde who just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn".
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Cheers!
Politics...
A little boy goes to his dad, a Datuk and asks, "What is Politics?" Datuk Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People. The Maid, we will consider her The Working Class, and your baby brother, we will call him The Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense. So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what is Datuk Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the Maid's room and finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father bonking the Maid. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his Datuk father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The Datuk father says, "Great son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies: "The Prime Minister is screwing The Working Class while The Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep shit."
Cheers!
Now think about that and see if it makes sense. So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what is Datuk Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the Maid's room and finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father bonking the Maid. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his Datuk father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The Datuk father says, "Great son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies: "The Prime Minister is screwing The Working Class while The Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep shit."
Cheers!
4.4.07
Twist of Life...
Life is such an interesting concept. How often have we done one thing when we actually wanted something else, and in the end we are remembered for others? People judge people based on their perception of the occurrence at their point of contact - regardless of the fact within which that occurrence occurred.
This brings to mind a little story related by a friend...
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... and that was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her little sister called and asked me to come over to help check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before got married and
committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed towards my car, only to find my entire future family standing outside - clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
And the moral of this story is?
Always keep your condoms in your car.
Cheers!
This brings to mind a little story related by a friend...
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... and that was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her little sister called and asked me to come over to help check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before got married and
committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed towards my car, only to find my entire future family standing outside - clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
And the moral of this story is?
Always keep your condoms in your car.
Cheers!
3.4.07
Women Over 30...
As I age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it! She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured of who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.
A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologise for all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.
Cheers!
A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it! She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured of who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.
A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologise for all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.
Cheers!
28.2.07
Today In History...
History has played an immensely important role in how we shape our future. Countries, businesses, and individuals who learn from their past - good & bad - tend to grow from strength to strength. Lessons learnt are worth every penny if the same mistakes are not repeated. The seeds we sow today become the fruits we harvest tomorrow.
Blah! Blah! Blah! ... It's so easy to say all that right?
So many times have I experienced my past come right back to bite me in the butt! Long have I come to realise that MY past is My problem - live with it! Honesty is for my Charlie to chew and redecorate as he sees fit! It really doesn't pay to be truthful...
That's the Bitter Green Monster surfacing? And why not? It's kept me going very well so far, thank you! The world can go to hell and back for all I care. As long as I achieve what I set out to do, I think it's worth it - the end will ultimately justify the means.
SO THERE!
Blah! Blah! Blah! ... It's so easy to say all that right?
So many times have I experienced my past come right back to bite me in the butt! Long have I come to realise that MY past is My problem - live with it! Honesty is for my Charlie to chew and redecorate as he sees fit! It really doesn't pay to be truthful...
That's the Bitter Green Monster surfacing? And why not? It's kept me going very well so far, thank you! The world can go to hell and back for all I care. As long as I achieve what I set out to do, I think it's worth it - the end will ultimately justify the means.
SO THERE!
Time...
60 seconds make a minute
60 minutes make an hour
24 hours make a day
7 days make a week
52 weeks make a year
or to put it simply,
365 days make a year
Now who the f*** was the almighty genius who determined that this is the way time should be accounted for?
Ever had one of those days when you had all the time in the world with nothing better to do? When time seems to be crawling to a standstill? Or one of those days when time just doesn't seem enough? I'm experiencing a phenomenon right now - so many things and so many people who are screaming for my attention but time feels like it has come to a total stop.
All our lives, many of us dedicate our time to one thing or another. Some build on their career, others choose to start a family, and yet others seem like they are eternally lost in space! So what happens if your focus is on family but no matter how hard you try it just doesn't take off? Isn't career the next logical step to take? I have tried the "lost in space" thing, and trust me it's not as fun as it seems to be. So what would you choose if you were in my shoes?
Time to scoot! Yet another problem to attend to. And I can bet my bottom dollar that at the end of it, my watch will still read 10:00am - maybe my watch needs repair... Sigh...
Cheers!
60 minutes make an hour
24 hours make a day
7 days make a week
52 weeks make a year
or to put it simply,
365 days make a year
Now who the f*** was the almighty genius who determined that this is the way time should be accounted for?
Ever had one of those days when you had all the time in the world with nothing better to do? When time seems to be crawling to a standstill? Or one of those days when time just doesn't seem enough? I'm experiencing a phenomenon right now - so many things and so many people who are screaming for my attention but time feels like it has come to a total stop.
All our lives, many of us dedicate our time to one thing or another. Some build on their career, others choose to start a family, and yet others seem like they are eternally lost in space! So what happens if your focus is on family but no matter how hard you try it just doesn't take off? Isn't career the next logical step to take? I have tried the "lost in space" thing, and trust me it's not as fun as it seems to be. So what would you choose if you were in my shoes?
Time to scoot! Yet another problem to attend to. And I can bet my bottom dollar that at the end of it, my watch will still read 10:00am - maybe my watch needs repair... Sigh...
Cheers!
27.2.07
Here Lies...
Ever wondered what would appear on your tombstone when you make that final trip to the Big Kahuna Reef in the Sky? Superstitions aside, I find that this sobering thought helps to put our lives into perspective. Another thing to try is to write your own eulogy - what would others say about you when you are gone? Just 2 rules - Be Honest & Be Realistic. You'd be surprised!
Cheers!
16.2.07
Happy Birthday To Youuuuuuuu!!!!!!
What's really in a person's age? Isn't it just a couple of numbers strung together to indicate the number of years we have spent on this Dirt Ball?
We humans generally go through 3 stages with regard to our date of birth.
From none to 16, we want people to remember it and actually look forward to celebrating it.
From 17 to 59, we hope nobody remembers how old we really are.
After 60, we hope that we can actually get to celebrate the next one again.
I remember when I was in my teens, I couldn't wait to grow up and do all those grown up things. When I got past me 20s, I just wished people would stop telling me how responsible I should be. After the 30th, every year just seems to fly by. A matter of perspective you say? Perhaps.
Well tomorrow's gonna be yet another notch to my totem pole. With all the shit that's hitting the fan, I sincerely hope that it will be a memorable one for the right reasons.
"Oh why were you born so beautiful? Oh why were you born at all? You're no bloody good to anyone, you're no bloody good at all!"
Cheers!
We humans generally go through 3 stages with regard to our date of birth.
From none to 16, we want people to remember it and actually look forward to celebrating it.
From 17 to 59, we hope nobody remembers how old we really are.
After 60, we hope that we can actually get to celebrate the next one again.
I remember when I was in my teens, I couldn't wait to grow up and do all those grown up things. When I got past me 20s, I just wished people would stop telling me how responsible I should be. After the 30th, every year just seems to fly by. A matter of perspective you say? Perhaps.
Well tomorrow's gonna be yet another notch to my totem pole. With all the shit that's hitting the fan, I sincerely hope that it will be a memorable one for the right reasons.
"Oh why were you born so beautiful? Oh why were you born at all? You're no bloody good to anyone, you're no bloody good at all!"
Cheers!
7.2.07
Life Is... A Bed Of Crap... Just On Different Days...
How time flies in our little sphere of Life. It seems like just yesterday that we were shaking hands and exchanging Christmas cheer.
Ever heard of the hearing "Same Shit Different Day"? Well I guess that just about sums up life for most of us homosapiens right? I mean we spend the 60 to 70 years of our total existance swallowing the crap that others feed us, and many a times, we end up shaking their hands with a big smile on our faces.
Ever had one of those days when you wake up in the morning feeling like a million dollars but by noon time feel like you were 10 million in debts? I've had quite a few of those lately...
I do so envy my little Charlie sometimes - care free, with a master who loves him to hell and back. Makes me wonder why they say "it's a dog's life" as if it was a bad thing. I mean how bad could it actually be? Wake up in the morning -> eat -> play with toys -> chew up stuff -> take a nap -> eat -> nap again -> play with other toys -> nap -> chew up more stuff -> act stupid to get a few laughs -> sleep. And that's just a boring day!!!
Well it's time to get back to the pump & grind.
Till my next lament.........
Cheers!
Ever heard of the hearing "Same Shit Different Day"? Well I guess that just about sums up life for most of us homosapiens right? I mean we spend the 60 to 70 years of our total existance swallowing the crap that others feed us, and many a times, we end up shaking their hands with a big smile on our faces.
Ever had one of those days when you wake up in the morning feeling like a million dollars but by noon time feel like you were 10 million in debts? I've had quite a few of those lately...
I do so envy my little Charlie sometimes - care free, with a master who loves him to hell and back. Makes me wonder why they say "it's a dog's life" as if it was a bad thing. I mean how bad could it actually be? Wake up in the morning -> eat -> play with toys -> chew up stuff -> take a nap -> eat -> nap again -> play with other toys -> nap -> chew up more stuff -> act stupid to get a few laughs -> sleep. And that's just a boring day!!!
Well it's time to get back to the pump & grind.
Till my next lament.........
Cheers!
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