English - The Devil's Language

Many years ago, there was a rave about how satanic cults were making use of music to spread their evil messages. You could hear these sublimal messages simply by playing the track backwards. What the protagonist didn't realise was that for centuries, the English language already contains secret messages that reveals itself just by rearranging the letters in a particular word. We call them Anagrams. Here are some of my favourites!

DORMITORY<->DIRTY ROOM
DESPERATION<->A ROPE ENDS IT
SLOT MACHINES<->CASH LOST IN ME
ELECTION RESULTS<->LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS<->ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
ELEVEN PLUS TWO<->TWELVE PLUS ONE

And my favourite for all time!!!
MOTHER-IN-LAW<->WOMAN HITLER

Cheers!

Urban Legends - They Walk Amongst Us!!!

Growing up, I've heard many scary urban legends that I dread even to repeat. On the other hand, I've also heard some really interesting stories that made me go "Hmmmmm......."

Here are some of them....

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Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.

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One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted...."Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said... "where???"

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While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

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I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific".

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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but, "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."

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My sister has a life-saving tool in her car and it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. Just to be safe, she keeps it in the trunk...

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My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were on 10% discount. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount... maybe we should have bought 10 cases.

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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

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While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

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Cheers!

Men - God's Perfect Creation

Women often say that Men are shallow, predictable, childish, etc, etc, etc...

WHAT UTTER RUBBISH!!! Men are creatures of depth, tradition, education, intellectual thought and mature debate. And I can prove it!

Men keep grand dreams of King Arthur's Court and so today, they continue to sit as equals around a table to discuss world-changing issues like how much to charge other Men for membership into their exclusive fraternity.

Men's intellectual and educational traditions must be strictly adhered to and even if we are to sacrifice life and limb, Men will not budge on principle. Take for example a discussion I was privy to just a couple of days ago. The topic in question was with regard to the use of Fish or Fishes in the description of the aquatic creatures residing within an aquatic tank. Mr T presented his case with true deliberation and fore-thought and after a fiercely contested 30 minutes, pure logic and intellect prevailed! It was decided that we must use Fish in its singular and on a side note, it was clearly minuted and unanimously agreed that a Clown Fish does not dig its face into green button polyps.

Further proof you say?

Let us take the time-honoured sport of Golf (Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden).
Armed with their trusty clubs like their cavemen forebears, Men trudge along turfs of green with a clear objective - to get that ball into 18 separate holes in 72 strokes or less. In the course of this endeavour, collateral damage to the groundwork is unavoidable - Men have even coined a name for this - DIVOT. However, as with all grand schemes, 2 schools of thought prevail - should we replace the chunk of grass or do we fill the hole with sand and seedling? The debate continues. When a logical and fraternally accepted method is agreed upon the weaker gender will be duly informed.

I believe I have presented my case with strength. It is blasphemy to say that Women is God's improved version of Men. God created Women because HE had extra clay. Anyway, who else would bring Men his beer and slippers?

Cheers!

Betcha Didn't Know....

Did You Know...

• Babies are born without kneecaps. They appear when the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
• It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
• Your stomach has to produce a layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.
• An average American spends an average of 6 months waiting at red lights their whole life.
  
• If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
  

On Animals, Reptiles, Amphibians and all those other living, breathing, non-human creatures that share our World...

• A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
• A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
• A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
• A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
• A snail can sleep for three years.
  
• An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
• Butterflies taste with their feet.
• Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
• Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
• In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

And Not To Forget...

• Almonds are a member of the peach family.
• Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
  
• A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
• February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
• Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
• The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
• The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
• "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "MT".
  
• There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: - "abstemious" and "facetious."
• TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Cheers!

Oxford Dictionary Revised

Through the course of time, humans have evolved to become intellectually more superior (or so we think). With this evolution, our methods of communication too must evolve with the times. Situational changes dictate that we associate terms to suit these changes. That being said, here are the latest revisions to our trustworthy Oxford Dictionary.

Boss

Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early

Cigarette
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other

Classic
A book which people praise, but do not read

Committee
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together

Compromise
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece

Conference
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present

Conference Room
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on

Criminal
A guy no different from the rest...except that he got caught

Divorce
Future tense of marriage

Doctor
A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills

Experience
The name men give to their mistakes

Father
A banker provided by nature

Lecture
An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Miser
A person who lives poor so that he can die rich

Opportunist
A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river

Optimist
A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

Philosopher
A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead

Politician
One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after

Yawn
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth

Peace Out!

Alfabet Zuop U Need Yuong Jedi!

I was called up for an interview today and my prospective employers had the most interesting prerequisite I've ever heard for a very long time - in order for any candidate to be eligible for a 1st round interview, we had to first take an English Proficiency Test.

It didn't matter to them that I had an Honours in English from Cambridge, or even that I have already authored a book. What mattered was that it is a prerequisite so I had to take it. The best part of it all was that when I received an email from the HR person, her first line read:
"Please be inform that you are reqiure to sit for your profeciensy test prior to your interview..."

For an organisation that enforces a proficiency test for all level of staff, they have certainly reinforced my confidence in their establishment.

What will they think of next? Bark Proficiency Test for guard dogs? I'm sure Charlie will apply!

Cheers!

The Great Stink...

Ok so I guess it's now official! Smoking is a big no no in all air-conditioned places, public transport, and in dining outlets with outdoor sitting a limited (20%) seating is alotted for smoking. What would they do next? "Smoking not permitted in pubs and discos"?

Cigarette prices keep going up, regulations keep getting tighter, smoking places get lesser... So why not just ban the damn thing?

Remember my analogy on alcohol? Well it's kinda simple here too isn't it?

Tobacco = Leaf = Plants = Vegetation

Those who think vegetables are bad for your health please raise your hands!

Doctors and health nuts will tell you that smoking tobacco is bad for your health. It's addictive, it destroys your stamina, kills your lungs and opens you up to all forms of health risk. Hellllloooooo!!!! My life remember? Whatever happened to freedom of CHOICE?

So it's addictive? Marijuana isn't!
Destroys your stamina? So does too much sex!
Kills your lungs? Try sitting around all day doing nothing!
Health risks? Like I said, try sitting around all day!

So that being the case, I propose that we should ban SEX and Sitting Around since Marijuana is already banned!

I walked into a Cigar Divan after dinner today, looking forward to purchase a delectable Monte Cristo No. 2 and enjoy it with a double shot of Ameretto. Imagine my horror when the manager tells me that due to the new ruling, I could not smoke my cigar there. This was a bar in a 5-Star hotel with a seating capacity of at least 100. So based on my bad math, the 20% rule would mean that there should be at least 20 tables for smokers right? WRONG! It's 20% of total outdoor seating and since this bar was now serving food and had only 5 tables outside, the smoking-permitted tables work out to a grand total of 1! Uno! Satu!

Pissed off and on the brink of irrational behaviour, I walked out of the place and lit a cigarette instead, only to have a woman who could only be described as ANTIQUE walk past me waving her hand in front of her nose and a disgusted look on her face. Helllllooooo!!! WHAT'S YOUR BLOODY PROBLEM!?!?! You don't see me waving my hand at your al'cheapo perfume do you?

I seriously believe that I'm living in a nightmare now and any moment, I'm going to wake up with a beer in my left hand and a joint on my right. Please let this be just a dream!

Have you ever noticed how when 2 smokers gather around an ashtray for a smoke, a friendly nod turns into a conversation? Ever noticed how when folks in the neighbourhood gather, they'll never hesitate to share a cigarette? I say that the misunderstood tabacco should become our symbol of friendship and solidarity! The American Indians had their Peace Pipe and I say we should too!

Cheers!

Thou Art Thine Hero!

Growing up, I remember my first hero was Superman. Then as I grew older, I got smarter and adored Batman instead. I mean yeah, the cool car, amazing gadgets and ultra-happening Bat Cave had lots to do with the decision to change heros, but the main reason was cause I seriously believed Batman was so much smarter than Superman. In fact I still do!

Why you may ask? The reason is simple - they both have terrible fashion sense (who in their right mind would wear their underwear on the outside?!?) but at least Batman had the frame of mind to wear a mask!

Fashion aside, I used to think that superheroes had the coolest jobs on earth. Not to mention some of the coolest gadgets, fastest vehicles (drool...) and bodies that will make the chicks swoon! Well except Hulk of course - who ever wants to be an overgrown green monster in oh-so-not-cool jeans with absolutely no toy or car?

What with the economic slump that countries around the world had just gone through, I'm kinda wondering that with their super abilities and knowledge, what our superheroes /supervillians would be doing if they ever become broke or get fired?

Here are four I managed to track down --->>>

Spiderman
Highrise Window Washer Extraodinaire




Superman
Calvin Klein Model





Iceman
Coolest Firefighter 2006 (NYFD)







Osama Bin Laden
Suburban Interior Designer









Wait a minute! That last picture looks awfully familiar. Like I've seen him somewhere recently. Nah, my eyes must be playing tricks on me. Well if anyone hears of the whereabouts of any other hero or villian, do keep me informed.

Cheers!

The Problem With Women

We men always lament that we can never understand women, and who can blame us? Do you know how impossibly difficult it is? Trust me, I know. I live with 3 of their species. Thank goodness Charlie's a guy.

I remember someone once told me the following story:

A guy picks up a lamp and releases a Genie and the Genie grants him one wish. The guy really likes Australia but is terrified of flying so he wishes that the Genie build him a bridge from Singapore to Australia.

The Genie looks at the guy and comments: "Do you know how much resources that would waste? Do you realise that we'll need to traverse across Indonesian land causing a huge political uproar? Do you know how much ecological damage the bridge might inadvertantly cause?"

So the guy thinks about it and then wishes instead that he can fully understand women. How they think, what they feel what they really mean when they say No.

The Genie looks the guy in the eye and says:
"How many lanes you want on that bridge?"

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Guys think about it: Has there been any decision you've been asked to make by a woman ever turned out to be the right one? I believe that the women's psyche can be rounded down to the following flow:

1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.

We never can win can we? I guess that's why my buddy decided to bring a blowup doll with him to Bali instead.

WOMEN! We can't live with them but we certainly cannot live without them!

Cheers!

Eat, Drink & Be Merry!

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming : WOO HOO! WHAT A RIDE!"

The author of this phrase must really be an advocate of that other phrase "Eat, Drink & Be Merry!" But isn't this what life should be all about? Isn't eating and drinking the "sun" around which we all orbit? Think about this for a second --->>> When we're happy we drink to celebrate; When we're sad we drink to drown our sorrows; When we have nothing better to do we drink to occupy ourselves; When we're stressed we drink to calm our nerves.

In a Law-Full society such as ours, it should be made mandatory that we all consume at least a pint of beer or a bottle of wine a day. After all, Wine is made from fruit and Brandy is distilled wine so that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the delicious goodness right? And Beer is also made out of grain which is definitely healthy. I mean who would ever say that fruits and vegetables are bad for you?

My folks used to tell me that they'd put about 10ml of Benedictine Dom into my milk when I was a toddler cause it helped me sleep. I believe they had other plans in mind, but that's for another blog altogether. I decided to try this on Charlie one hyperactive night and all I have to say is this: GOD I LOVE MY PARENTS!!!

Way before our illustrious forefathers discovered the marvels of water purification, ale was the "drink of the day". No one drank anything but that. No one would be foolish enough to try anything else. With all the pollution that we're facing today and that huge hole-in-the-sky getting larger by the day, shouldn't we start bringing back this practice? I say that the government should seriously consider merging the Public Utilities Board with Asia Pacific Breweries. Imaging turning on your tap for ice-cold Heineken! Now that's what I call beer-on-tap!

I've got a buddy who's finding himself "spiritually" in Bali. Shouldn't be too difficult considering that Bintang Beer is only S$1.50 a bottle. I think it's about time I headed to my fridge for a "spiritual reunion" myself.

Eat, Drink & Be Merry! No guys I said BE MERRY not BE MARY! Ladies you can BE MARY if you want.

Cheers!

Our Saintly Lives...

We go about our mundane lives not really understanding half of why we really do what we do. Sure there are lots of us who think we've got it all figured out but one day when the wall crumbles around us, we realise that the piece of vinyl canvass and wooden scaffold just doesn't count as a sturdy wall.

We fill our lives with things we hold dear (at least we think they're dear) but fail to realise that everything material is just that - material, bio waste in our infinite universe. Well, at least I know I do.

Singaporeans (permanent residents included - you know who you are!) have the 5Cs? I have the 6Cs --->>>
Car (Small one)
Cash (not much left)
Condo (uh HDB also can count lah right?)
Credit Card (almost all maxed out already)
Career (I NEED A NEW JOB!!!)
Charlie

That's my little boy by the way. My pride, my joy, my ever present companion, my vacuum cleaner, my interior re-designer (bite marks are really the IN-THING), MY NEXT MURDER VICTIM!!!

Someone once said that there are 2 certainties in live - death and taxes. Till we can argue intelligently with this fact, I think I'll agree for now.

Chug-a-lug!