Alfabet Zuop U Need Yuong Jedi!

I was called up for an interview today and my prospective employers had the most interesting prerequisite I've ever heard for a very long time - in order for any candidate to be eligible for a 1st round interview, we had to first take an English Proficiency Test.

It didn't matter to them that I had an Honours in English from Cambridge, or even that I have already authored a book. What mattered was that it is a prerequisite so I had to take it. The best part of it all was that when I received an email from the HR person, her first line read:
"Please be inform that you are reqiure to sit for your profeciensy test prior to your interview..."

For an organisation that enforces a proficiency test for all level of staff, they have certainly reinforced my confidence in their establishment.

What will they think of next? Bark Proficiency Test for guard dogs? I'm sure Charlie will apply!

Cheers!

The Great Stink...

Ok so I guess it's now official! Smoking is a big no no in all air-conditioned places, public transport, and in dining outlets with outdoor sitting a limited (20%) seating is alotted for smoking. What would they do next? "Smoking not permitted in pubs and discos"?

Cigarette prices keep going up, regulations keep getting tighter, smoking places get lesser... So why not just ban the damn thing?

Remember my analogy on alcohol? Well it's kinda simple here too isn't it?

Tobacco = Leaf = Plants = Vegetation

Those who think vegetables are bad for your health please raise your hands!

Doctors and health nuts will tell you that smoking tobacco is bad for your health. It's addictive, it destroys your stamina, kills your lungs and opens you up to all forms of health risk. Hellllloooooo!!!! My life remember? Whatever happened to freedom of CHOICE?

So it's addictive? Marijuana isn't!
Destroys your stamina? So does too much sex!
Kills your lungs? Try sitting around all day doing nothing!
Health risks? Like I said, try sitting around all day!

So that being the case, I propose that we should ban SEX and Sitting Around since Marijuana is already banned!

I walked into a Cigar Divan after dinner today, looking forward to purchase a delectable Monte Cristo No. 2 and enjoy it with a double shot of Ameretto. Imagine my horror when the manager tells me that due to the new ruling, I could not smoke my cigar there. This was a bar in a 5-Star hotel with a seating capacity of at least 100. So based on my bad math, the 20% rule would mean that there should be at least 20 tables for smokers right? WRONG! It's 20% of total outdoor seating and since this bar was now serving food and had only 5 tables outside, the smoking-permitted tables work out to a grand total of 1! Uno! Satu!

Pissed off and on the brink of irrational behaviour, I walked out of the place and lit a cigarette instead, only to have a woman who could only be described as ANTIQUE walk past me waving her hand in front of her nose and a disgusted look on her face. Helllllooooo!!! WHAT'S YOUR BLOODY PROBLEM!?!?! You don't see me waving my hand at your al'cheapo perfume do you?

I seriously believe that I'm living in a nightmare now and any moment, I'm going to wake up with a beer in my left hand and a joint on my right. Please let this be just a dream!

Have you ever noticed how when 2 smokers gather around an ashtray for a smoke, a friendly nod turns into a conversation? Ever noticed how when folks in the neighbourhood gather, they'll never hesitate to share a cigarette? I say that the misunderstood tabacco should become our symbol of friendship and solidarity! The American Indians had their Peace Pipe and I say we should too!

Cheers!

Thou Art Thine Hero!

Growing up, I remember my first hero was Superman. Then as I grew older, I got smarter and adored Batman instead. I mean yeah, the cool car, amazing gadgets and ultra-happening Bat Cave had lots to do with the decision to change heros, but the main reason was cause I seriously believed Batman was so much smarter than Superman. In fact I still do!

Why you may ask? The reason is simple - they both have terrible fashion sense (who in their right mind would wear their underwear on the outside?!?) but at least Batman had the frame of mind to wear a mask!

Fashion aside, I used to think that superheroes had the coolest jobs on earth. Not to mention some of the coolest gadgets, fastest vehicles (drool...) and bodies that will make the chicks swoon! Well except Hulk of course - who ever wants to be an overgrown green monster in oh-so-not-cool jeans with absolutely no toy or car?

What with the economic slump that countries around the world had just gone through, I'm kinda wondering that with their super abilities and knowledge, what our superheroes /supervillians would be doing if they ever become broke or get fired?

Here are four I managed to track down --->>>

Spiderman
Highrise Window Washer Extraodinaire




Superman
Calvin Klein Model





Iceman
Coolest Firefighter 2006 (NYFD)







Osama Bin Laden
Suburban Interior Designer









Wait a minute! That last picture looks awfully familiar. Like I've seen him somewhere recently. Nah, my eyes must be playing tricks on me. Well if anyone hears of the whereabouts of any other hero or villian, do keep me informed.

Cheers!

The Problem With Women

We men always lament that we can never understand women, and who can blame us? Do you know how impossibly difficult it is? Trust me, I know. I live with 3 of their species. Thank goodness Charlie's a guy.

I remember someone once told me the following story:

A guy picks up a lamp and releases a Genie and the Genie grants him one wish. The guy really likes Australia but is terrified of flying so he wishes that the Genie build him a bridge from Singapore to Australia.

The Genie looks at the guy and comments: "Do you know how much resources that would waste? Do you realise that we'll need to traverse across Indonesian land causing a huge political uproar? Do you know how much ecological damage the bridge might inadvertantly cause?"

So the guy thinks about it and then wishes instead that he can fully understand women. How they think, what they feel what they really mean when they say No.

The Genie looks the guy in the eye and says:
"How many lanes you want on that bridge?"

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Guys think about it: Has there been any decision you've been asked to make by a woman ever turned out to be the right one? I believe that the women's psyche can be rounded down to the following flow:

1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.

We never can win can we? I guess that's why my buddy decided to bring a blowup doll with him to Bali instead.

WOMEN! We can't live with them but we certainly cannot live without them!

Cheers!